I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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