Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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