I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
