Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
