Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
