I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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