Having a random hookup so left but love u
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
