I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
