I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
