If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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