All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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