People in love make me want to vomit
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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