I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
