Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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