Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
This baby is an asshole
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
