He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
