I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
