allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
ugly people sure do ruin things
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
