i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
