Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
