Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
