It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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