Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
