It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
operation have a gay friend backfired
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
