The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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