i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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