Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
