I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
