i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
