I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
