I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
it was like eating out sand paper
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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