there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
