Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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