i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Randomize
