I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
The best revenge is premature balding
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
