Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
there was a trapeze. enough said
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
