i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
