Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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