Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
