do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
