the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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