i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
