I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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