So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
