mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
