It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
