Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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