she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
