I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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