So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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