Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Let's get the cat blown out
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Randomize
